My Mother is a Grandiose/Malignant Narcissist. Here's Why:
She feeds on pain and suffering like some type of vampiric demon. If she is not in control, then there will be hell to pay.
A 52 year old "child" trapped in a geriatric but still semi-passable as "hawt" my mother walks around bragging about her venue, her kids, her house, her car her clothes, how great she is at business, design and decoration. She spends so much time building this fake world that she is living in, she doesn't have time for much else. Not for her granddaughter or her once adopted, twice abandoned 36 year old bipolar firstborn and her newest chew toy/ save-a-hoe/scapegoat.
She brags about how many people she's mentored, how much she can/could teach me, but to get that far, she first had to "gently remind me" that I "am an adult with a childlike mind"... hmmm.... That doesn't sound like me. Not many children write books, are expressly self aware I would say hyper-aware; to the point it borders on a maladaptive scale of emotional monitoring.
Back in August of 2022, I'd been in a fight with my body for two years and finally, all my resources had been exhausted, and let me assure you, I used every single resource I had. 401k, savings, disability leave, long term leave, vacation, unpaid time off, voluntary time off, I sold things, I cut the fat out of my life as far as physical energy was concerned, and began to (often from my bed) ruminate on what else I could liquidate and how much food would that buy and how long would that last?
My long time boyfriend (at the time) was kind and supportive. He watched me literally poop out. I went from being a normal, functioning human being to a bedridden, anxiety -inducing, crying, heap of vantablack sadness that no light could pierce.
I stayed this way, in a state of shock, feeling as though I was living in a fever dream until around May 2023. In that short time from August 2022 (I moved cross-country from Texas at the behest of my birth heathen) to May 2023, I was in what I am slowly coming to believe was a state of psychosis. Basically you disassociate so hard core, you don't come all the way back; at least that's how it felt to me.
I was vaguely aware that time was passing, but I never could grasp how fast or slow it passed me by until it was too late.
While I lived with that female snake for almost a year, or maybe over a year(?) I still don't know. Around Feb or April I finally started to feel a little better after being forced inpatient on a 1013 for threatening my psychiatrist's snooty office lead/ RN. She really was an asshole in my defense, and I didn't actually threaten, I just told them I hoped they would find themselves in the throws of a month and a half long mixed state, beg for help, find people available to help you and watch them stare at you blankly because they didn't feel like doing any work that day. Went inpatient against my will right before Christmas. Did a week or to of severe physical sickness then finally, a manic episode that lasted a long ass time. I'm thinking it pushed two months for sure.
Around this time, they changed my meds, and I'll be damned,,,, it fucking worked.
Not quickly, but slowly--- very slowly, it began to pull me back into the reality that I hadn't really been a part of my entire time in Georgia. All my estranged family knew about me was my name and that I was bipolar 1 with mixed episodes. I was no longer human to them. I was different, the odd man out, the scapegoat, the faker, the lazy, ungrateful little bitch who was offered the world by my beautiful perfect mommy who threw me away not once, but twice.
As time passed I'd been shocked by a few things that suck in my head from the day I got there.
1. She talked to anyone however she wanted with no consequences.
That was my first red flag. Even though I was in a very thick haze at the time, I remember definitively that she was a real ball busting bitch. You do something small, a mistake etc., she airs out your dirtiest laundry on your first offense. Not a person you really want to get closer to, but she'd whined about how much she missed me for 34 years, so I thought I might be an exception. I wasn't. Well, I was but not in a good way.
I've seen her dig into her husband so hard it made my penis shrivel up and want to die and I don't even have one. There's no telling how that man felt.
It never occurred to me that she "loved him" until he kept (stupidly) getting caught cheating on her. One of the best things he ever said that was true was "no matter what I do or say, it's wrong. There's no pleasing you." Boy was he right as fuck!
One day while she was bashing him about his stupidity, his body and his age, I asked her outright:
"Is that true what he said?"
"What do you mean?"
"When he said he can't win. What would please you? like, what do you want him to do? Because it seems kind of true what he said, so now what, if y'all don't want to break up? There's no give and take."
She thought about it for a moment and I watched it sink in: the first real thought she had given to what WOULDN'T piss her off more. That's her perpetual state by the way: mad cunny.
Anyway, I was proud of her when she exhibited self awareness or the fact that she even attempted a glimpse into another person's point of view or how they feel.
I remember sitting there thinking to myself then that she was a narcissist, a self-centered lil mongrel that had crawled her stank ass all the way from the gutter to upper middle class, and honey, there wasn't/isn't anything in this world she wants more than an elevated social status. She acts, in every facet of her life, as if she is better than anyone else. Grandiosity is something I have to watch for in myself. Usually it means I'm going to get manic, talk fast, think fast, go fast and embarrass the fuck out of myself, by taking on too much or overdoing to the point that I would be adding PEM (post exertional malaise ) on top of the impending depressive episode that usually directly follows mania. What goes up must come down.
